For the past month, my sweet Papaw has been in the hospital fighting for his life.  A couple of days ago, we were told that his battle is more than likely near it’s end and that we should start preparing for his passing.  Being told this, my Granny, who has not only been my grandmother, but also my best friend, had to make arrangements for his funeral.

Everyday, almost every moment, I pray to God that he would send a miracle to just let my Papaw live to see me graduate, get married, and to see his great grandbabies, but it’s finally setting in that he won’t be able to. 

I try my best to just not think about things, but I keep remembering all the good memories I’ve shared with him.  He has always been the ONLY man in my life that really, deeply cared for me.  Every time I was around him, I felt unconditionally loved.  My own father has never even made me feel that way.  I grew up around a father who never showed any kind of affection to me.  I literally can’t remember my dad ever willingly hugging me growing up, except for when we were in public and I just did something in front of a crowd, such as performing in a concert or graduating.  Never have I ever came to my dad with my issues.  I always went straight to Pap and he always comforted me.  He is the only man who has ever told me I looked pretty and I would actually believe him.  He is the only man that really loved me.

I have tried to stay strong, but it’s so hard.  I can’t thank God enough for blessing me with the perfect family to cope with. Without them, I don’t know how I would be trudging along.  They are so wonderful. I have also been blessed with so many beautiful friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin and really helped me through, namely Bethany, Christina, Olivia, Morgan, and Bryan.  Just a text or a call can mean so much in a time like this. Thank you all.

Last, but certainly not least, I have the honor of having THE best grandmother in the world.  She is my confidant, my rock, and my best friend.  Her unfaltering strength never ceases to amaze me.  She is probably having the hardest time out of all of us, but she doesn’t let us see it.  She has always kept the family stitched together and has always kept us in working order. I love her more than she will ever know.

The process of losing someone you care about a lot really puts things into perspective, especially if you’ve never experienced the death of a loved one first hand before.  It humbles you and makes you more aware of your surroundings.  It brings out the true colors of those around you and, I believe, makes you a better person.  However, I can see how someone could be mad at God for making them go through hard times like these, but I have really grown closer to Him.  After all, He has given me the honor of having Benjamin Ford as a grandfather.  

This man has been and always will be my favorite Papaw and I will always be his “little girl with a curl on her head.”  I will always love him no matter what, whether he’s still here with us or up in Heaven with Jesus.  I hope he knows that.

I’m still fighting for you, Papaw. I’m not giving up until you decide to go.

instant-amnesia:

when people seriously compliment me
it’s like
wow are you being
for real
like
god bless you and your family
and I hope all your dreams come true
amen